Long and happily: rules that will help preserve love for years

Maintaining a relationship for a long time is not as difficult as it sometimes seems. Psychologist and author of several books Rita Watson believes that only three important rules will help maintain respect and love in a couple. It is enough not to forget about them neither in times of complete mutual understanding nor in periods of conflict.

Think positively about your chosen one
It's no secret that two different people can give opposite assessments to the same event. After all, our emotional perception of a fact is more important to us than the event itself.

We often evaluate people according to the same rules. We are able to justify a person for some ambiguous concession if we understand his motives and look at the situation from his point of view. But we can condemn him if we refuse to see what is happening through his eyes.

Rita Watson writes that "positive illusions" are useful for long relationships. This does not mean that you should completely close your eyes to reality and completely idealize your partner.

For example, a boyfriend or husband gave his beloved flowers. One girl might think that he must have done something wrong in front of her, and that makes up for the mistake. And maybe, even tries to distract her. He wants her to be happy about the flowers and not try to find out what exactly he is wrong about. As a result, this girl's mood will be spoiled, because the gift will become for her a symbol of possible dishonesty in the relationship. The second, in such a situation, will simply be happy and thank her partner. And the whole evening will be in a great mood.

Perhaps the man really did something wrong. For example, he behaved undiplomatically at work and had a scandal with his boss. Now he is forced to look for a new company, and his vacation plans will have to be revised. But the second girl will be able to relate to his mistake much easier. And he will appreciate that he thought about her feelings in such a situation.

Watson notes that feelings in a couple turn out to be stronger if each partner thinks of the other a little better than the other thinks about himself. Such a relationship can be expressed by the phrase "You believe in me even more than I believe in myself."

Scientists also talk about the benefits of such a position. It is known that in the first years of marriage, newlyweds get to know each other not only from the best side. A 13-year study showed that couples who continue to think well of their loved ones and even idealize them a little, keep their love longer. And they divorce much less often after years.

Constantly enough, even when there is discomfort in the relationship, do not forget what exactly attracted you to the chosen one. And also remind both yourself and him about his best qualities. It is good if both partners try to develop such a habit.

Learn to forgive
Everyone has probably heard this advice. But often it is he who causes strong misunderstanding and irritation. Rita Watson reminds: yes, forgiveness is not always easy. But it is worth doing it, if only for the sake of getting rid of the constant immersion in negative memories. And he will feel free from old grievances.

It is worth remembering: we are talking about couples who experience mutual love, and not about strangers to each other. In the second case, if one person greatly offended or framed another, you can simply stop communicating with him. And then, some time later, think about whether it is worth forgiving him.

If people constantly communicate or live together, it is much more difficult to forget about an unpleasant episode. But there is also a plus in this: it is possible not to postpone the resolution of the conflict for a long time, but to understand what happened right away.

Forgiveness does not mean silently swallowing both and allowing your partner to hurt you again in the future. On the contrary. Don't be silent - talk about how you experience what happened, what you feel, how you see a way out of the situation. And then listen to your loved one.

Remember the previous point and think that it is unlikely that a loved one had the goal of specifically hurting you. Most likely, he did not think about the consequences, did not see unpleasant options for the development of the situation. Or just made a mistake. Yes, it also happens - each of us is imperfect and sometimes does the wrong thing.

To forgive means to admit that an unpleasant situation has already happened and we cannot send our partner to the past so that he can fix everything. But we are able to agree on how both of us should act now so that the painful incident does not happen again. And then we can comply with these agreements.

If people really value each other, such situations can help them get to know their partner better, and at the same time understand their needs. And as a result, strengthen relations and preserve them for a long time.

Do not forget to thank
It is important for each of us that his attention to other people, participation and manifestations of care be noticed. Gratitude is a simple and affordable way to show that you see and appreciate the efforts of a loved one.

University of Utah Associate Professor Tasha Howard offers several simple ways to thank a loved one:

Say compliments.
You can mentally admire when you see that your partner is doing a great job. Or inspires you and charges you with positivity. But it's better to say it out loud - it will please both your loved one and you.
Give your partner a break or help in business. Let's say you see that a loved one puts a lot of effort into maintaining order in the house. Or he spends time preparing documents for a joint vacation: he receives the necessary certificates, collects information about vaccinations, learns in advance about all the interesting places for tourists. Help him - take on at least a small part of the load. This is one of the best ways to express gratitude.

Write to a loved one how you appreciate him.
It seems that love letters are back in fashion. Sometimes it is difficult to tell your partner how much you appreciate him: the right words are suddenly forgotten, and excitement prevents you from accurately formulating a thought. Give yourself time and write about everything you would like to say. Perhaps a new tradition will arise in your couple — to regularly exchange letters full of romance and gratitude. Years later, you can read the messages together and immerse yourself in pleasant memories with pleasure.

Tell other people that you are grateful to your partner. People often complain about loved ones when they are not around. For example, they tell friends about problems and quarrels. They complain that the beloved person was not practical enough or not too enterprising. And they themselves get used to remembering every reason for complaints or disappointment, but forget about the good. If you don't scold your loved one, but more often remember in conversations with others what he is good at, then you yourself will begin to treat your loved one much more warmly.

Studies show that the habit of thanking your partner really strengthens your relationship. This means that it allows you to preserve love for many years.