Why you care about your partner’s past and how to stop thinking about it

Sometimes jokes about exes turn into nightmares.

An increased interest in a partner's past romantic and sexual life is called retrospective or retroactive jealousy. Often it has no good reason, but it poses a serious threat to the relationship.

At first, you just feel uncomfortable at the thought of your crush's former lovers. Then you begin to doubt the value of the current relationship, consider your partner immoral and unreasonably suspect him of treason. Finally, jealousy takes over completely, makes What Is Retroactive Jealousy / Ballard Psychiatry check social networks and browser history, spy.

How to understand that you are jealous of the past
Read the statements proposed by Yale professor Robert Leahy:

I often think about the fact that my current partner had a lover or mistress in the past.
When I think about it, I feel anxious and restless.
I wonder if my partner's past relationships were better than ours.
I want to be the only person my partner has ever loved.
If you understand that some phrases can be attributed to you, then you are jealous.

Why do you think about it
The reasons may be different and depend on your character, the conditions of acquaintance with a partner and external factors. But more often than not, according to Eva Thompson, a therapist who specializes in retrospective jealousy, it comes down to this:

Are you afraid of being hurt
Perhaps you had a difficult relationship with your parents, you experienced a betrayal by a friend, or your previous partner was an abuser. One way or another, your body remembers this and tries to protect you from a similar situation. The defense mechanism is activated when you fall in love and begin to experience strong emotions. It is he who encourages you to sabotage the relationship and avoid any potential danger.

Are you worried about being compared to your previous partner?
This reason is closely related to your inner beliefs, self-esteem, attitude. If you feel insecure at the beginning of the relationship, it is likely that things will only get worse. When you find out that your soulmate had other partners, you will subconsciously begin to look for flaws in yourself, worry that you will be compared with previous lovers, and decide in advance that you will be worse.

You think your partner's past isn't good enough for you
In this case, you are comparing your partner with yourself. It seems to you that he does not correspond to you, because he used to do something that is unacceptable for you. You focus on his past mistakes and devalue his merits in the present.

You don't like that your partner has experience that you don't
A busy past can be a serious cause for controversy. It may seem to you that the person next to you had a brighter and more interesting life. Then you will want to quickly find a reason to end the relationship in order to "catch up."

You think you made the wrong choice
When you fall in love, you see everything in a rosy light and endow the person with super qualities. But then you get to know him better, and your ideas fall apart. The partner turns out to be not perfect, but ordinary, and you don’t want to put up with it. Then you plunge into the past of a person and start looking for evidence there that he has always been selfish, unfaithful, evil, and you simply made a mistake in him.

How to get rid of jealousy of the past
Retrospective jealousy can ruin not only relationships with a partner, but also your emotional state in general. To prevent this, try following these tips.

Acknowledge your feelings
First of all, you need to understand that your emotions are completely normal. They don't make you a bad person or crazy.Understand your feelings, accept them, otherwise it will be worse.

Ask yourself what it is you care about
Sometimes pinpointing exactly what causes jealousy can help. Perhaps you are not interested in who your partner met before, but what kind of person he was then. Or you want to know what attracts him and what annoys him. Or you think you can predict the development of your relationship.

Look at the situation from the other side
Let's say you're afraid of losing your lover because he's wonderful. Think about what made him the way he is, and admit to yourself that past romantic relationships have contributed as well.

Any relationship makes us more experienced, allows us to develop. And perhaps if they were not, your partner would not have become the person you fell in love with.

Realize that the past is the past
Even if you know your partner had a relationship before you (and not even one), remind yourself that it's over. Perhaps people have realized that they are no longer interested in each other, or have identified different goals in life. In any case, this is a past stage that has nothing to do with you.

Try to put yourself in the place of your partner and remember that you also have your own history and people who were once dear to you, but then left in the past. And this is absolutely normal for the XXI century.

To more realistically look at the previous connections of your soulmate, you should repeat the following phrases to yourself:

I don't have to be the only person my partner has ever wanted.
If my partner enjoyed sex with someone else, this does not mean that he can return to his former lover.
My partner may enjoy intimacy with me, even if he previously enjoyed sex with someone else.
My partner's warm memories don't threaten our current relationship. All people mentally return to a positive experience, this is natural.
Remember that thoughts and feelings are not dangerous
Trying to control thoughts and feelings does not lead to anything good and only shows the other person that you will never be happy with them. Realize that everyone can think and fantasize what they want, and then you will live in the real world with real relationships.

Don't make your relationship a test
Try to control yourself: do not interrogate your partner, do not look for reasons to find fault and do not provoke him to quarrels.

If you know that certain topics and names are triggers for you, don't try to bring them up in a conversation and don't ask your partner to share details of his previous relationship.

Talk to a partner
If you speak out, it will be easier for you to accept your feelings, get rid of jealousy. And your partner may be able to calm you down.

Just be correct and respectful. When speaking, try to use "I-statements" and focus on your current emotions rather than your past. For example, you might say, “Sometimes I worry that you will leave me because I believe you can date whoever you want,” or “I know that you and [ex-partner's name] were planning to get married. So while I believe in your feelings for me, I sometimes worry that you will realize that you want to be with him/her.”

Learn to accept what you are told
You can share your feelings with a partner, calm down for a short time, but then begin to torment yourself with doubts again. This is due to the fact that you do not fully trust either the feelings or the words of your soulmate.

Try to calm your anxiety, understand that you cannot double-check every word, and accept what your partner convinces you of.

Stop stalking your partner
If you check the phone of your loved one every day, the maximum that you will get is neurosis and the final break in the relationship. No one likes when their personal boundaries are violated. Therefore, do not follow your partner when he goes somewhere, do not apply for his work and do not try to learn something from third parties.

Don't scour social media for pictures of exes and cute comments they once left each other. Remember that sad faces and details of quarrels are not posted on the Internet. Therefore, a few travel pictures do not at all indicate that the previous relationship of your soulmate was easier, freer, happier.

Channel your energy into relationships
Constantly thinking about the past or worrying that your partner might leave you takes a lot of energy. So much so that it does not remain at all to spend time together. And because of this, you move away from each other.

You can't change the past or predict the future. Therefore, it is better to focus on the present and do everything possible to develop relationships.