Why you are unlucky in love and how to fix it

No rituals and conspiracies - everything depends only on ourselves.

Luck in love often comes by accident. And jumping on this “wave of fortune” can be very difficult. Psychologist Barry Schwartz and anthropologist Helen Fisher shared their views on this issue.

What determines luck in love
Variety of choices
“Successful relationships are created, not found,” Professor Barry Schwartz is convinced. He became known worldwide for his research on how we make choices, The Paradox of Choice / TED. His results showed that while we think having more choices makes us happier, it doesn't.

When we have too many options, we constantly think about the opportunities we are missing out on. Schwartz even joked about how happy he was when the store next door only sold one pair of jeans. Then there were jeans of a free cut, tight-fitting, "boyfriends" and so on. Now we can buy jeans that fit great, but feel much worse about doing so. New options increase our expectations, which, according to Schwartz, gives us less satisfaction from the result, even if it is good. The same can be said about romantic relationships.

Ability to evaluate potential partners
Barry Schwartz himself, having been married for over 50 years, put a lot of effort into his own marriage. “We've known each other for a very long time - she was my best friend in eighth grade. So she doesn't like it when I talk about looking for a partner who is "good enough". But in reality it is so, ”says the psychologist.

He also notes that we often do not understand how to properly evaluate potential lovers. After so many years of marriage, Schwartz knows for sure that his wife is a kind, empathic and intelligent woman with a strong moral core. Plus, she's the perfect first reader for everything he writes. However, when they first met, he did not pay attention to any of these qualities: “She attracted me because she was the first girl from my environment who loved baseball. Specifically, the New York Yankees. Love for the fucking Yankees - what is the basis for a relationship anyway?

But their successful marriage was not born on the day they met, and not even on the day of the wedding. This was only the beginning of the story, but not its end. A true relationship developed over the following years out of mutual trust, support and love.

Thoughts on the future
When we focus exclusively on what happens before the wedding, we forget what happens after. Namely, after that a real marriage is born, and luck in love begins.

A successful financier, let's call him Troy, considered himself the luckiest and happiest man in the world when he began dating a model. His friends were also inspired and even a little envious of him. The luck continued and culminated during the wedding, which was widely broadcast on all social networks.

And then life began. If you assume that the person who is dating the model has a dominant personality type and likes to be the center of attention, you can't go wrong. But when they appeared somewhere together, Troy felt forgotten. Photographers wanted to take pictures of his beautiful wife on the red carpet, and he was asked to move away. When they entered the restaurant, everyone around them perked up, but they were looking at her, not at him. Luck ended in a very expensive divorce.

How to attract luck in love
If you're single, finding the right partner can seem like an endless minefield. Anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has become one of the world's experts on love, is still enthusiastic about the feeling: "You're trying to win the most amazing prize you can get - a life partner and a chance to send your DNA into the future. Although constant dating may seem like a real job. And it takes work to dress up and be as charming as possible.”

Expand your idea of ​​an ideal partner
Fischer shares Schwartz's view that too much choice is bad for love. When we spend a lot of time online, we feel overwhelmed because a new candidate is just a click away. Fisher advises looking through 5-9 profiles on a dating site, and then stop and chat with at least one person. “Go on dates, stay enthusiastic and interested. The more you get to know someone, the more you may like him, ”the anthropologist emphasizes.

In the midst of a love relationship, we often don't notice our partner's shortcomings because the brain creates a happy, positive illusion. But when the romance fades, we begin to notice more, and it is at this moment that it begins to seem to us that luck is leaving us. Fisher believes that maintaining some positive illusions, or at least focusing on what you like about your partner, is the key to not losing your luck during the attachment stage.

When we think about luck, we often think of the most primitive examples. Winning the lottery, no traffic jams on the way to the airport or queues to the doctor's office. All this seems to us a real success, because such coincidences are hard to miss. However, in most cases, luck is much less flashy. Perhaps the key to success in a relationship is understanding that whatever choice we make is nothing more than a mutually beneficial exchange.