Why We Pick the Wrong People and Build Bad Relationships

We are hindered by past experience.

And you can rely on this experience even if you met the perfect girl on VeronikaLove!
Let's figure it out together how to deal with it.

Most people recognize that in an ideal relationship, each partner shows care and attention, treats the other with warmth and understanding. However, not everyone can build such a relationship. And often, instead of warmth and acceptance, they receive indifference or even fear.

Moreover, changing the partner does not give visible improvements. People change, but the type of relationship stays the same. It's not that you are totally unlucky - the peculiarities of the work of our brain are to blame for everything.

How the brain uses past experience
Our brain is a very energy-consuming organ. The analysis of information takes a lot of time and resources of the body. And in order to reduce energy waste, all new stimuli are processed using past experience.

This feature helped our ancestors think faster and survive in dangerous situations. If yesterday moving bushes were a sign of a predator, today a person will not hesitate for a long time before rushing to his heels.

For example, if you asked a stranger a question and he was rude to you, next time you will be wary of approaching new people. If this happened again, you would rather get lost and spend the night on the street than ask a random passerby for directions again.

This rule works at any age, but in childhood, when the brain is extremely plastic and new neural connections are created especially quickly, the experience of communication and affection is of great importance. This is why psychotherapists so often turn to childhood experiences: they are at the root of many relationship problems. You use familiar relationship patterns, even if they are bad.
Your relationships with people are influenced not only by your parents, but also by other significant people: a brother or sister, a friend, a teacher, a neighbor. If you have an emotional closeness with a person, he changes your brain. In neural networks, new connections arise about how to behave, what is expected of you, what will be the consequences of certain actions.

We can say that every significant person changes your personality, creates a new image, which will then be used in communication with completely new people. This concept underlies interpersonal cognitive theory.

When you see a new person, they, consciously or not, are recognized as similar to one of your significant people. You can find matches on any basis: gender, age, figure, manner of communication, smell. Even the way he squints his eyes when he smiles or straightens his hair.

However, despite your inner feelings, a person may not meet expectations at all. Let's say you recognized your father in a new partner. Subconsciously, you expect him to take care of you and, for example, walk with you on weekends in the park. At the same time, your partner hates walking and is not very caring. This will cause dissonance, provoke quarrels and disappointments.

At the same time, this transfer causes people to suffer for years from decadent relationships. For example, if a close relative or first partner of a person was cruel, indifferent, or helpless, upon meeting a stranger with similar qualities, the person may unconsciously transfer and form an attachment.

Moreover, when interacting with it, a ready-made template of behavior will be automatically applied every time. If it includes, for example, submission and no complaints, you will behave exactly the same with a new acquaintance.

How to retrain your brain and deal with negative patterns
First of all, this requires awareness. To get rid of patterns, you must first find them and track them further throughout life. Here are some tips on how to do it.

Briefly describe all the significant people in your life and your pattern of behavior with them. Consider if there is any correspondence between them and those who are close to you now. Assess how you behave with these people, whether you like your behavior.
Ask directly what your loved one expects from you. Perhaps you are unconsciously ascribing to him the expectations you learned while interacting with another important character.
If people close to you repeat some negative patterns, remember what significant person in your life had a similar behavior. If you find a parallel, you may need the help of a therapist to get rid of unwanted attitudes and form healthy relationships.

Remember, if you're not happy with a relationship, you can always change it. But it is unlikely that you will be able to change the person with whom you are trying to build them.