What to do if the relationship ended, but the feelings remained.

What to do if the relationship ended, but the feelings remained

After severing any ties - business, friendship or romantic - you need to go through three stages.

Whether it's a partner, family member, friend, boss, or colleague, ending a relationship is always hard. But sometimes the period after a breakup is even harder than the breakup itself. We can get stuck in our unprocessed feelings, doubts and anxieties that quickly fill the void.

How to pass the first stage
Most often, the strongest feelings after a breakup are anger and sadness. Moreover, they can unite in a large dense lump. “You need to give yourself time to separate them from each other, find the right words and describe what exactly is terrible, awkward or difficult for you,” the psychologist advises.

To do this, ask yourself: “What is the worst thing about this breakup?” If you want to work through the bad feelings and move on, you need to focus on your emotions and figure out what hurts you the most.

Stage two: understand what you need
After a relationship ends, most of us are well aware of what it is that causes the most pain. But at the same time, we easily fall into a vicious circle of self-flagellation. Most often this happens because the breakup provokes long-standing deep and unpleasant feelings.

During this period, we may be visited by thoughts from the category: “Everything that happened is my fault. Perhaps I deserve to be mistreated" or "It's true, I'm really incompetent (unattractive, uninteresting)." We begin to blame ourselves for the problems associated with the ended relationship.

How to pass the second stage
Ask yourself, "What do I need most?" Do not answer superficially, for example:

"I need a loved one to rest together."
"I want my boss to like my ideas."
“I need someone from my family nearby so that we can worry about my father together.”
"I wish I had a friend who understands my sense of humor."
Also, don't tie your needs to the relationship that ended: "I need the sense of security he gave me" or "I want to be looked at the way she looked at me."

Instead, analyze your deepest existential needs and determine what you absolutely need to develop and become better. For example:

"It's important for me to feel needed."
“I want to feel that I am loved.”
"I need to know that I have self-respect."
"I want someone to know the real me."
Very often, our needs directly conflict with the breakup: “It is important for me to feel needed, but my divorce made me feel that I can be easily replaced.” According to Antonio Pascual-Leone, it is from this contradiction that change begins. Admit it, at least to yourself.

Stage three: analyze the end of the relationship
The last step to take is to go back to the moment the relationship ended, understand what exactly you lost, and work through the feelings that come with it. This usually means working through repressed anger and sadness. And dealing with the latter is especially difficult.

In sad moments, we usually remember the good things: “We will never have a picnic in the park again” or “Now no family dinners on Wednesdays.” “You need to say goodbye to these things and give them little ‘headstones’,” says the psychologist. “One of the reasons sadness is so hard to work through is because of the losses we don’t talk about. These are the hopes and dreams that you shared with another person.”

For a couple who divorced after a short marriage, such a loss can be a common child, which they will never have now. For business partners, this is a big project that they will never launch. Antonio Pascual-Leone says: “When I did psychotherapy with one client who was in prison, he already knew that his partner had abandoned him. And he told me: “We will never go on vacation together, and yet we saved money for the trip and even kept travel brochures.”

How to pass the third stage
Ask yourself:
“What irritates and revolts me?”
"What do I miss?"
“What dreams and hopes do I need to say goodbye to?”
These are not the easiest questions. You will need inner strength and time to find the right answers to them. However, this is a key part of working through the gap. The life cycle of healthy emotions resembles a graph of a curve. They arise, you feel them, then you express them, and only then does the process end.