What is a “conflict map” and how does it help resolve any disagreements in a couple?

We are charting a route to a bright future without quarrels and scandals.

During a quarrel, it is very easy to become fixated on your partner’s actions—how he offended you, what attack he will make next, and how to get ahead of him. You may even know by heart all of his favorite techniques and can list without hesitation the ways in which you usually counter them.

But it doesn’t matter how honestly and fairly you behave during conflicts. Trying to predict your partner's next move or understand their motives will not help you resolve differences. Esther Perel, psychotherapist and author of Always Desired. How to Maintain Passion in a Long-Term Relationship, believes that it is much more useful to analyze your own actions and determine how you contribute to the dynamics of the relationship. To do this you will need a “conflict map”.

What is a conflict map
This is a technique that helps to find the root of disagreements and identify patterns in what makes partners quarrel over and over again in the same scenario. The conflict map motivates you to think about the role of each participant and takes into account the fact that scandals and disputes almost never have a single instigator and culprit.

Esther Perel calls conflict a dynamic dance, between the movements of which there is an interrelationship: the action of one partner causes the action of the other, and vice versa, and thus each “dancer” makes his contribution.

The basis of any quarrel, according to the psychotherapist, is one of three reasons:
- A struggle for power, when someone feels that their opinion is not considered important and is not taken into account when making decisions in a certain situation.

- The struggle for trust, when someone needs confirmation that they can really rely on their partner in difficult times.

- The struggle for value when someone wants to be respected and valued for their contribution to the relationship.

However, in the heat of a quarrel, it can be difficult to understand what each partner is actually fighting for. This is why a conflict map is needed - it allows you to clearly see the situation and understand it when the active stage has already passed.

How to map a conflict
Think about the last argument you had when you and your partner couldn't reach a common resolution, or an argument that keeps reoccurring, such as who is always late or who never does the dishes. Then ask yourself and your partner the following questions to help you break the situation down and understand how and why it developed along a certain path:
- What were you doing before the conflict began? For example, someone was working on a difficult work project or enjoying a moment of peace. Or maybe someone was preparing dinner, and someone was rushing home from the doctor.

- How did the conflict actually begin? Think about what you said or did that caused the tension.

- What conflict strategy did you use? Some of the most common are confrontation, ridicule, belittlement, or humiliation. Analyze whether among your methods of behavior there were any that only worsened the situation. Make sure you don't express contempt, seek retribution, show disrespect, involve other people in the fight, bring up past hurts, place all the blame on your partner, or pretend that nothing serious is going on.

- How did your partner react to the strategies you used? Did he answer you the same way or behave differently?

- What “fight dance” did you use? Esther Perel identifies three: “hit-run” (one attacks, the other does not respond), “hit-hit” (both attack), “run-run” (both avoid conflict and play the silent game).

- How did you egg each other on during the conflict? Find the turning point when the conversation became more aggressive, violent, and painful, and determine what preceded it.

- What was the main cause of the conflict? Thanks to the answers to the previous questions, by the final stage of drawing up the map, you will be able to assess with sufficient clarity what exactly you or your partner were fighting for - for power, trust or value. For example, if someone was shouting, it might be because they don't usually feel listened to. Or, if someone remembers all the times they washed someone else's dirty dishes, perhaps they feel that their care and housework are not appreciated. When you understand the meaning of each stage of the conflict, you will see a certain pattern.

How to make peace using a conflict map
This technique transforms the dynamics of conflict by replacing the desire to act with curiosity. Instead of thinking about how to respond to the “enemy’s” attack, you try to figure out why each of you behaved in a certain way.

There is a difference between what we fight about and why we do it. The conflict map indicates the true background of disagreements and helps to eliminate them. For example, you quarreled over dirty dishes in the sink. By sorting out the quarrel step by step, you can find out that one person is offended not by the very fact of having unwashed plates and cups, but by the fact that he cannot trust his partner in everyday matters. The other, in turn, begins to argue not because he does not want to do the dishes, but because he feels that his contribution is not valued and that he is not given the opportunity to do housework in his own way.

Understanding each other's motivations provides the basis for conflict resolution. When you stop criticizing and pay attention to your partner's wants and needs, you begin to talk differently. You can discuss the situation and work together to find ways to meet everyone's needs. Then the pile of dirty dishes in the sink will never cause tension in your relationship again.