Jealousy: What it is And How to Deal With it

Is it true that this feeling only occurs in people with low self-esteem?

There is a polar attitude towards jealousy in society. On the one hand, jealousy is considered a sign of true love. On the other hand, they attribute this feeling only to insecure people.

The feeling of jealousy makes us simultaneously experience anger, hatred, anxiety, envy, despair, mistrust. Jealousy can arise not only in relation to a partner, but also to friends, parents, brothers, sisters. You can be jealous of a loved one not only to another person, but also to work, hobbies, even to the phone or computer, at which he spends all his free time.

This feeling is often accompanied by shame, it is condemned in society, so it is usually difficult for people to admit that they are jealous. Many people do not want to experience jealousy at all, because it is a painful feeling, so they deny and suppress it. However, it is impossible to never meet him.

What causes jealousy.
Most often, jealousy is associated with low self-esteem. Indeed, people with low self-esteem are more likely to be jealous than people with stable self-esteem. When a person does not value himself, he is especially afraid to lose in competition. However, this is not the only reason.

A person first encounters jealousy in childhood. For example, children around the age of five may experience hostile feelings towards their parents of the same sex. This phenomenon has a name - the Oedipus complex (in boys) and the Electra complex (in girls). This is a normal stage in a child's development. Then the conflict is resolved: girls stop being jealous of dad for mom, and boys stop being jealous of mom for dad. They no longer compete with their parents, but, on the contrary, want to be like them. Moreover, if the child specifically spent this period (for example, he did not have a second parent), then he can experience emotions that were not in childhood, he can live more intensively in adulthood.

Undermined trust in the parent-child relationship can be the cause of jealousy. For example, if adults do not take care of the child, ignore his needs, leave him alone, give him up to other relatives, or get divorced. Such an experience instills in a person a global distrust and fear that he may be abandoned. This fear is projected onto subsequent relationships.

Sometimes partners can deliberately provoke each other to jealousy. Most often this happens when a person does not feel important and is trying to increase their importance, to get "proof of love." The reason may be the same jealousy, for example, because of the partner’s unfinished relationship with the former, which manifests itself in the form of indefinite boundaries - frequent calls, constant requests for help.

What are the myths about jealousy.

Jealousy must be dealt with.
The desire to get rid of jealousy comes from the fear of it, because this is a very difficult feeling. Most often, jealousy initially manifests itself through anger, but other, “softer” emotions are hidden behind it. A person is ashamed of his vulnerability, he feels weak, dependent on a partner. And at the same time he is afraid of losing a loved one.

If you suppress or deny jealousy, it is likely that you will not be able to stop being jealous. Instead, it is better to have the courage to admit your vulnerability to your partner and the fear of losing him. Then, perhaps, it will be possible to calmly talk to him and ask for support. And a loved one will feel valuable, loved and able to take care of you.

Jealousy is a sign of true love.
Jealousy and love are indeed connected, because when people enter into close relationships and become valuable to each other, then there is a fear of loss. Therefore, jealousy is a natural feeling in close relationships.

An unexpected “prick” of jealousy can signal that a partner is really important, even if we ourselves are not yet fully aware of this. Also, jealousy can occur as a reaction to the appearance of distance in a relationship, as a signal “I miss you.”

At the same time, trust is important in a healthy relationship. And if jealousy is constantly present, even without a specific reason, this is not a sign of love, but a lack of trust. In this case, it is useful to think: why does a person not trust a partner? Can he trust anyone at all?

Jealousy is a pathology.
Although jealousy and unpleasant feelings, which can manifest destructively through accusations and scandals, are normal. People with any self-esteem are jealous, there are objective reasons for this.

What to do if I'm jealous of my partner.

First, admit to yourself that the person you're jealous of is important to you and you don't want to lose him.
Try to accept the feeling of jealousy. Do not shame yourself for him, do not consider him weak or bad.
During an attack of jealousy, do not immediately start sorting things out with your partner. Give yourself time to calm down, breathe. Try not to act out of anger: do not blame your loved one, do not shout at him.
Instead, try to acknowledge your vulnerability and share your fears. Tell your partner that you feel unimportant, invaluable. Talking honestly and calmly about feelings can help break the blame-reject pattern. After all, the more you are jealous and throw accusations at your partner, the more he justifies himself and moves away from you. This withdrawal makes you more fearful, because you get confirmation of your fear of losing a loved one.
Try to figure out what will calm you down.
Formulate how a partner can take care of you, and offer him these options. For example, you would like him not to spend every free evening only with friends, but to find time to be with you alone.
In a healthy relationship, the partner's normal reaction will be a response to your request, an attempt to support, reassure. If a person ignores your needs, denies, says that something is wrong with you, this is an alarm signal. To understand why your partner does not notice your feelings, you can try to discuss this with a psychologist.
If it becomes clear that the partner does not give reasons, and you still experience jealousy, then it is worth exploring where this feeling comes from. Maybe something similar happened in your family. For example, dad had love affairs, you knew about it and now you don’t believe that someone can not change. Maybe you yourself have experienced betrayal. And although it seems to you that you have already forgotten and let go of this story, this experience continues to affect you, manifesting itself in the form of jealousy and not allowing you to gain trust in a relationship. Then this is also an occasion to go to a psychologist and analyze your story.