How to tell the difference between true love and fear of loneliness

A good way to spot the "red flags" in a relationship right away, rather than years later after living with the wrong person.

Putting in the effort to find a romantic partner on VeronikaLove and creating a relationship that doesn't actually exist are two very different things. But sometimes we're in such a rush to find someone or are so afraid of being alone that we miss this distinction. And then we look back and wonder how we didn't notice right away that this person was completely wrong for us.

To avoid making this mistake again, it's important to learn to spot the difference between a relationship based on true love and one based on fear of loneliness right away, rather than years later. Here are three questions to help you do this.

Can you be yourself around this person?
One of the telltale signs of a relationship built on fear is unnatural, contrived behavior. Worries about losing your partner make you indulge them in everything. For example, changing your character or sacrificing your values ​​to avoid judgment.

When you are constantly afraid of being left without your partner, everything you do turns into an act of maintaining the relationship, and this prevents you from enjoying the time spent together. Endlessly adapting to the expectations of the other person makes you ignore your own desires and needs, which can lead to a feeling of dissatisfaction and loss of identity.

In a healthy relationship, both partners maintain their individuality and support each other. Research shows that a balance between closeness and independence is incredibly important for a harmonious union. At the same time, relationships tend to deteriorate noticeably when one or more of the following conditions occur and one of the partners:

- tries to control the other and influence their views;
- behaves helplessly and has difficulty coping in difficult
situations;
- invades other people's personal boundaries.

Do you need to be constantly around this person to be happy?
Of course, we should find happiness next to those we truly love. But for some, this happiness becomes an effort and an attempt to escape the paralyzing fear of loneliness.

If you feel so empty and lost without your partner that you feel like you can’t be happy without them, this may indicate a fear of losing your partner, not love.

Wanting to spend time with your loved one is healthy and beneficial to the development of the relationship. Expecting them to give you all their free time is a possible sign that the relationship is based on fear.

Another question to ask yourself: Do you prefer to spend time with your partner alone or in the company of others? If you find it difficult to “share” your loved one with others, you may be relying too much on them to pay attention to you and make you happy.

Are you easily jealous?
Jealousy is another sign that the relationship is controlled by fear of loss and feelings of inadequacy.

According to research, it is normal and even healthy to feel jealous from time to time, as jealousy reminds partners not to take each other for granted. It heightens emotions and adds passion to intimate moments.

On the other hand, intense or irrational jealousy arises from the fear of abandonment. Scientists have found that low levels of trust in a loved one can make people with an anxious attachment style feel jealous, dig through their partner’s things, and even use psychological violence.

Insecurity in a more general sense can make us paranoid about losing our partner. This only fuels toxicity, which leads to relationship problems.

When we are desperate for a person, we tend to make hasty decisions. Waiting for the right moment to start a relationship is difficult, but this is the path that leads to relationships based on true love and common interests, and not the fear of being alone.