How to Ask For Forgiveness to Be Forgiven

Forgiveness is very important for reconciliation. But sometimes it's hard to find the right words so that the person we offended doesn't get even angrier. Psychotherapist Victoria Meshcherina tells how best to ask for forgiveness and why sometimes it is difficult for us to apologize even for minor misconduct.

Why do people apologize and forgive
Forgiveness is necessary for both sides of the conflict. Connecting with a person implies security and mutual acceptance. And when conflicts occur, there is less warmth and trust in this regard. Apology and forgiveness is the way to get them back. Both the offender and the offended are united by the hope for an improvement in relations. We all want to be good people and cherish emotional relationships.

When a person receives forgiveness, he gets rid of guilt. For an offended apology, they also change the feeling of the situation: soften the wound and resentment.

Why asking for forgiveness can be difficult and unpleasant
It can be difficult for people to apologize because at that moment they are very vulnerable. If they understand their guilt, they may be ashamed, and in the process of apologizing they may feel humiliated.

It is often difficult to say “I'm sorry” to a loved one, even for minor misconduct. One of the reasons is the childhood “experience of unforgiveness”. It arises from situations where the child was rejected, punished and ignored his attempts to apologize for the offense. Because of this, as an adult, it can be difficult for a person to offer sincere apologies, admit their misconceptions or mistakes.

How to ask for forgiveness the right way
The main thing is to do it sincerely. That is, you should not use excuses or excuses, try to belittle your guilt. It is important to honestly admit your mistakes and tell your loved one that you only want the best for him and are ready to correct the situation.

There are situations when a person replaces sincere forgiveness with a “symbolic apology”. That is, he apologizes, but in fact he does not believe that he hurt a person, internally denies his guilt and does not accept the feelings of a loved one. Sometimes this can work - for example, when it comes to a shallow offense. But if there was a serious conflict, then such “symbolic apologies” can aggravate the feelings of the offended person.

Emotionally Focused Therapists offer a complete apology framework that has six elements. Its full implementation can often be encountered in a psychologist's office than in real relationships. However, it can also be kept in mind:

Tell your loved one that you care: "I care about your experiences."
Accept the feelings of the offended: "Your pain is justified, I understand this."
Voice what your actions or words hurt: "I hurt / hurt you because ...".
Share your experiences: “I feel sadness, shame, regret, sadness for causing / causing you such experiences and behaving / behaving with you in such a way ...”.
Offer your help: "I want to help you get rid of this pain ...".
The process of forgiveness always depends on two people. Be prepared that the person you offended will not only say, “I accept your apology and forgive you,” “I am no longer angry with you,” but may also ask you for something. For example, ask for comfort, say: “Now I need you to ...” - and offer some actions that you can support him with. For example, fixing a mistake or making a promise to “not do that again.”

What if I don't feel guilty
There are situations in which a person does not admit that he hurt a loved one, because he has a fear of unforgiveness or shame. Or perhaps the guilt is really imposed from the outside. In such a situation, you can calmly express your arguments and show the other person that this guilt is irrational. A clear explanation can help restore relationships.

How to ask for forgiveness if a person does not talk to you
Unfortunately, if the offended person does not make contact and does not say that he was hurt or hurt, this can lead to the so-called "attachment wound" or even a break in the relationship. Be prepared for the fact that you yourself can feel offended or humiliated.

Sincerely apologize in the complete silence of the second person is really difficult. Sometimes attempts to do this can lead to bad consequences: a person can get angry, accuse the offender of a lack of empathy or a desire to hurt more. And there is a logical reason for this: if you apologize for the wrong thing, then the person will feel insulted again, will relive the negative experience.

If the relationship is important to you, you can try to reach out to the person you offended by talking to him. Ask questions, make more and more attempts, if you see that the person is angry. Offer to talk about resentment, pronounce possible reasons for resentment, say that you did not want to hurt. Be open and remember that this may take time.