Everyone wants to have a “healthy relationship.” What does it mean?

And why does a stable and calm relationship seem boring to someone?

Popular psychology does its job, so many people strive to build healthy relationships: no violence, no control, no manipulation. But what exactly lies behind the definition of "healthy"? We figure out whether it is possible to “cure” relationships and where the line lies between healthy and unhealthy.

There are clear signs of an unhealthy relationship: humiliation, insults, blackmail, the use of physical force against a partner. It is also obvious that in a healthy relationship there is love, mutual understanding, a feeling of happiness next to a partner. But can you name more specific signs? Let's try to do this by comparing healthy and unhealthy relationships on four key factors.

Needs
In a healthy relationship, each of you knows how to satisfy your own needs. And if not, then he can directly and openly ask a partner to help. You may not do what your partner wants. Also, he is not obliged to do what pleases you.

In an unhealthy relationship, one partner often meets their needs with the help of the other. For example, it requires him to read minds, to anticipate his desires. If this does not happen and the partner does something wrong, anger arises. There is another marker: you can not not do what your partner wants to do. Or you demand that he be involved in all your activities.

Values
In a healthy relationship, what you choose and do in the relationship is primarily dictated by your values. At the same time, you accept and respect the values ​​of your partner and the fact that they may differ from yours.

In an unhealthy relationship, partners may compromise their values in order to maintain the relationship. For example, you feel that your values are less important to you than your fear of losing your partner or striving to live up to their expectations. Or, on the contrary, you notice that the partner puts only your values in the foreground, devaluing his own.

Expectations
In a healthy relationship, partners accept each other as real. That is, you do not require a partner to meet your expectations and be the way you want him to be. You also see that the partner accepts you in any way. You are valuable and important to him, not only when you behave and feel the way he expects it.

In unhealthy relationships, you can get angry when the partner does not meet your expectations, you want to change him. Or you notice that the partner wants to fit you to their ideas.

Control
In a healthy relationship, you do not need to control your partner, because he is an adult and independent person. You trust him and see that he trusts you.

In an unhealthy relationship, there may be a desire for mutual control. For example, you try to control your partner as much as possible, and if you can’t do this, you worry and can’t find a place for yourself. Or you understand that the partner is trying to control you in everything.

Are there quarrels and scandals in healthy relationships?
There are conflicts in every way. We are people, we are different, we have to negotiate with each other, and sometimes we quarrel. The difference is not in the quarrels themselves, but in the attitude towards them.

In an unhealthy relationship, quarrels may be given more importance than they really are. For example, one of the partners may draw conclusions about the quality of the relationship or the partner's love based on the number of quarrels. Or perceive quarrels as an opportunity to offend, hurt another. Or start a quarrel just for the sake of a quarrel.

In a healthy relationship, a quarrel is one of the tools to negotiate, to come to a compromise. A quarrel does not become an opportunity to realize hidden aggression towards a partner, is not a consequence of the fact that the partners have nothing else to do together, does not turn into an indicator of the quality of the relationship.

If everything is stable and calm in a healthy relationship, can this cause boredom in partners?
Passion does not correlate with the presence of fights, and feeling bored in a relationship does not correlate with the presence or absence of fights.

Quarrels and scenes of jealousy are more common in people with an anxious type of attachment. Such people have a tendency to emphasize emotional swings. According to them, they try to determine the quality of the relationship. After all, people with an anxious type of attachment learned from childhood that relationships are unsafe and unpredictable. This happens when, in childhood, parents sent double signals to the child, deceived, offended, devalued, scolded a lot with or without reason. And the child is used to the fact that this is the norm for close relationships. Already in adulthood, such a person seeks to recreate a similar context in his romantic relationships. Therefore, calmness and stability may seem boring to him.

Can an unhealthy relationship become healthy, or vice versa?
Relationships can become healthy. It all depends on the desire of the two partners and understanding why they need it. Healthy relationships can also become unhealthy. And it also depends on the behavior patterns that each of the partners has in their arsenal.

Most of us have more than one type of attachment in our arsenal. As children, we observe adults and learn from their example how to build relationships. And it often happens that a child grew up in a family whose members had different types of attachment. For example, his parents were reliable, while his grandparents, with whom he spent all summer, were avoidant and anxious. Then the child learns behavior patterns from all three types of attachment.

Let's imagine that there are two people who have several types of attachment. First, they can start, for example, with reliable patterns. Therefore, someone will accidentally manifest an avoidant pattern. Because of this, the second in response to this, the alarming one is actualized. And the more often partners return to these patterns, the higher the risk of deterioration in relations. But people are more than just types of attachments, it is also important not to forget about this. And if they notice problems, they can discuss them or go to therapy to feel good and calm in the relationship.

Can healthy relationships end?
Any relationship can end. And in a healthy relationship, you can fall out of love with a partner, want to part with him.

If you think a healthy relationship can't end, you may be dealing with an irrational attitude. For example, “normal people don’t break up without a reason”, “I have to endure”, “relatives will not accept my decision”, “I won’t find anyone better”. If any of these things resonate with you, then this is a good reason to go into therapy and work through these attitudes.

Is building healthy relationships always difficult?
The concept of a “healthy relationship” is subjective. There is no standard relationship. If you look only for some ideal, then in these searches you can lose a real partner. Therefore, the most important thing is to listen to your feelings in a relationship and reflect on the topic of how exactly you feel next to your partner. It's also important to talk to each other.

Any relationship is not easy to build. After all, you are dealing with a separate, different person. He has his own baggage of experience, different from yours. Therefore, you will not always understand each other, even serious disputes will arise in some issues. But this is normal and manageable.