5 Signs That You Don’t Know How to Love

It is possible that your relationship is not going well at all through no fault of your partner.

People strive for love all the time, but at the same time they perceive it as a gift. Such an approach does not help to build quality relationships, but only places a person in a closed circle of falling in love, disappointment and new searches. Here are the signs that indicate that you are not familiar with mature love.

1. You are looking for love instead of building it
It seems to many that it is enough to find the ideal person with whom you coincide, like two pieces of a mosaic, and everything will be fine. If the relationship does not work out, it means that the partner was simply unlucky.

In the book "Art Loves", the psychoanalyst and philosopher Erich Fromm claims that modern people, who are attuned to consumption, perceive themselves and others as goods in a store. The main thing is not to make a mistake with the choice.

This approach works, but only when it comes to falling in love — after all, no effort is needed to make it appear. During the period of relationship formation, people see each other through rose-colored glasses, do not notice shortcomings and want to be together all the time.

This condition is very pleasant, but it passes quickly. Yesterday's lovers begin to understand that the object of passion is not ideal, dissatisfaction, quarrels, mutual accusations appear. Then people part and start new searches.

Mature love is a more peaceful and lasting feeling. It is not based on fleeting infatuation, but on the understanding of the partner, jointly passed tests, trust and respect.

2. You are not trying to get to know your partner
Each person has a unique personality and experience, thanks to which he perceives the world in a completely special way, inherent only to him. We are not able to look at reality through the eyes of another, but we can at least try to understand how he sees it and what he feels.

Often, partners listen intently and sincerely share their experiences only at the beginning of the relationship. And during their life together, they get used to each other and form the illusion that they have fully studied their life partner.

Due to such a relationship, a unique personality with a rich inner world turns into a function or a thing. And sometimes real acquaintance does not happen at all - a person immediately sees the other as a way to satisfy their needs or get something specific.

Think about whether you are interested in your partner. Are you listening to him attentively and involved, are you trying to understand what he thinks and feels, or are you just waiting for your turn to speak.

3. You don't care about your partner
People often do something "for the family", at the same time caring only about their own good and taking into account only their needs.

For example, encouraging a partner to switch to a higher-paying job or move to a large city, a person does not think about whether he will be able to realize his potential and whether he will be happy, but only sees opportunities for himself.

However, mature love includes not only interest in a person's personality, but also concern, the desire to help one's partner grow and develop.

This does not mean that one person takes responsibility for another, as if he were a child, or solves his problems. But if one partner needs help, the other notices it and strives to provide it.

At the same time, it is important that care includes respect and attention to the real needs of a person. In other words, you should not force your partner to do what you think would be best for his growth and development.

This is help to an equal, and not a demand to assert oneself at the expense of another, to become his parent or to bind him even more tightly to himself.

4. You depend on your partner
People often confuse love with addiction. The latter is characterized by a passionate desire to be close to the object of one's sympathy, the desire to merge with it into one whole.

At the same time, despite such attachment, people with emotional dependence often cannot even tell what is good or bad about their partner. They do not really see a person, but only use the ego to get rid of the fear of loneliness and rejection.

If one partner builds his life around the other, adapts to him, adopts his goals and values, he gradually loses his personality. In a painful fusion, it is impossible to remain bright and interesting, to preserve one's integrity and to express oneself in this world.

Besides, dependence is not compatible with freedom. A person is constantly afraid of losing the object of his passion, is jealous, manipulates and strives with all his might to keep him close to him. This creates conflicts and suffering, and on both sides: one suffers from the fear of losing a partner, the other from excessive control, both and manipulation.

A person values relationships, but separates himself and his partner. Relationships are based on agreement, not on manipulation, people still have freedom of choice. This means that you can do without this person. But choose to be with him.

5. You treat yourself badly
Love for other people begins with a good attitude towards yourself. Often, having not received enough warmth and acceptance in childhood, people try to compensate for this through relationships in adulthood.

This attempt is a direct path to emotional dependence. You will use your partner as a crutch for your self-esteem, not being interested in his personality, real desires and needs.

If the person next to you also needs confirmation of the right to life, you can have a reliable symbiotic relationship, where each partner depends on the other.

Whether such a union will be happy is a controversial question. If, apart from dependence, people have little in common, the relationship is unlikely to be satisfactory. Both partners will suffer, quarrel, but stay together out of fear.

Therefore, before you build (or repair) relationships with other people, learn to love yourself — respect and care, accept completely, with all merits and demerits, treat yourself with kindness and compassion.

Having done this, you will become closer to treating your partner in the same way. See in him a unique personality, not a function, cares, accepts, supports aspirations and values. Loves.